GrINdM3isTeR

Ho hum, indecisive, scared, angry, pissed off, frustrated, happy, loving, forgiving, caring, scared, missing. Oh, did I mentioned scared..?

There you go, if you would have read this then these are all what I’m feeling now.

It’s the time of the year again where everyone wishes everyone and anyone HAPPY NEW YEAR.

We usher in the new year of 2007 today and it is just appropriate that here I take this opportunity to wish everyone I know HAPPY NEW YEAR. May it be the best of years and greatest of time for everyone.

For my bunch of brother’s sorry I did not join you guys yesterday as I really had to work. Here I wish each and everyone of my brothers and and their girlfriends and everyone in the group HAPPY F^$%#ING NEW YEAR. I wish this to be a good year for everyone of you and I want this to be the best year for all couples within our group. Have fun you people.

To all the rest..CatsTail, 3SA and everyone else..you are not secondary..I LOVE YOU TWO..!! HAPPY NEW YEAR.

To Ester, nothing I can say anymore..:) Love you sis..!!

Haha..!! Hoho..!! Hehe..!!

What a year it was. Daniel Powter’s Bad Day is a very good to song to describe it. Had a saviour and I’m living the life now.

It was a year that a lot of my friends got hooked up with a chick or two somehow or another but yet I was single the whole year round except for the time when I was trying to go after a gal. But if I look at it, being in a relationship is just like getting off a station and getting onto a bus. It will eventually take me to my destination yet its a whole different road alltogether. Kinda like the idea of it. Like what a friend of mine blogged that couples are everywhere and all he did was to look at his shoe. Oh my gosh how true the saying is. I just do not know how am I going to live my life without a girl.

Let me get it straight though..I would love to be in a relationship but yet right now I just don’t want to spend my time looking for one now. I’m tied down by other things. I would love to spend time with a girl whether she is the special girl or not I do not want to know but all I do know is that I want to have a girlfriend..eventually its just not now. It maybe next year or other time or even next month but at the this moment, it is just a NO.

Oh let me tell you, I have stopped working for an employer already. I’m now working for myself. AND I’M ENJOYING IT!!

The those who are watching this blog, I advise you to grab it while you have the chance. For those who wants to find extra money while you still have the chance..call me..for those..erm..erm..HAPPY NEW YEAR..

P/s: Happy Belated Birthday Parjuan..sorry I missed your karaoke..

Being an analyser is a thing that I like to do. I just found that out. Being spontaenous is a thing I like to do as well. Well..I know that long time ago. I do feel proud that I’m logical..at times. And I do know that I can be very long winded too.

Think about this..whatever it is that I do, it is all because I want a better life, I want a better future. Is that wrong? I want more in life than what I have now.

It is a fact that I do not know how to work. I do not have the skills, I do not have the knowledge. But then I do know that I have the guts. That I have in plenty. Beat that!! I’m just trying to learn the skill and the knowledge.

Whatever it is that I do, I do it for you.

It was the 30th of Sept. Time..irrelevant. Place…PD. Event…Kent Ohana Beach Party.

It was the time of the year again for me to be crazy. Holy crap..it was crazy. I was having so much fun. Kent was organising one of its party down at Port DICKson and off we went to PD on the 30th of Sept. Me and bunch of close friends. Dude..it was a blast. The amount of fine women at that place that night was absolutely crazy. Forget about the booze brother…the ladies were just so fine. Anyways..Gouman Resort was the happening place that day. Boozing whole night long. Ogling at fine women all night long. What more can a guy ask. May I rest in peace.

Someone pointed out to me that she checks my blog for any updates and she asked me why I did not update my blog. Let me see..my last update was like EEEOOONNSSS ago!!! That is like super long. So I’m here once again to update the blog that I do not know if anyone reads or not!!

Anyhow, this the year that I failed in everything that I do. Fisrtly, I joined a magazine and worked there for like a month or so. But I found out that it lacked that certain something that I knew would make the magazine a long term thing. So then I left the place. I was jobless like for a month or so. Then I came back from Australia and S’pore for holidays, I started looking for jobs. I found one in a interactive marketing company. I started off feeling good and all. But after a month or two I felt demoralised, not motivated. So then I decided that I have had enough and I decided to leave that sucky place. With such a sucky DIRECTOR, how could I not leave. I mean I really think he was being childish and stupid. Talk about being a DIRECTOR..SO WHAT!! Anyway, this is not about him. After I left, then I realised that I had stumbled upon something that would really work well with people outside if use it to it’s full potential. And with that, out from no where I decided to start something on my own. And boy, I’m having a journey that is rather exciting and frustrating and fun and so much more. It’s all good.

The thing is, for the past 2 months, I suddenly feel that I have achieve something that I do not know how I would have achieved it if I continue working for people or employment. Lets just say that what I have done is not a very wise choice yet I felt that it is a defining moment in life where I can take control of my life.

I have done a great deal of stuffs during this particular month that I can be proud of. I have finally collected a bit of money from stuffs that I did for people and it felt good, the money in hand. Because I know that the money would not go to any company but only to me. See, that is the most satisfying part of it all.

But lets just say that I still love money and I will do all that I can in whatever ways to achieve what I have always wanted and I do not care how I get it. I know I want it and I know I can get it.

*Psssttt..BACK!!

I’m in a very sombre mood now. I’m in a very downbeat mood now. I’m in a very uninspiring mood now. I’m in a very ‘whatevala’ mood now. I’m in a very shitty mood now. I’m in a very fucked up mood now.

I have not been like this for a long long time now. I felt that I have done something wrong but if I do not wrong this time I’m afraid it will drag on to something even worse. Knowing how wrong I can be at times, I do not know whether this will be the road that is right for me but this is the road I want to take now!!

I have played you as you said. It looks like that. But in fact I have tried with all my heart to learn to love, to give, to accept all that has happened but it is just not that easy anymore. I did not play you. It wasn’t even in my mind. Honestly, it was not in my mind at all but the way things worked out seems like that.

You said this is not playing sand. No it is not. If you think that I’m heartless, I won’t stop you. I have been hurt, I have been fucked before just like you did. In fact I understand how you feel. You can say that I do not but I do. Very well.

The way things worked out, I do not have any explanations to it. I myself do not know why mixed emotions and feelings came through me. I felt, I thought that it was for real, but it was just not to be. Time changed me, my feelings. Time has given me a lot of chance to think. This was not what I want. It will certainly hurt you more than it will hurt me. I rather not this happen to you but to me alone for I know I can be hurt and be fucked. I rather take this all for you. But I understand that I can not and I will not take every fault, wrong and guilty feeling and put it upon my shoulder.

Ever since the first episode, I felt guilty. I feel so damn bad and guilty. The moment I saw you in the car and you were there face down. I felt a pang of sadness, I felt the tinge of sweetness and I felt a tad bit of hurt. I wanted to hug you that time and to tell you that it’s ok. That everything will be all right. That everything will be better soon. Little did I know, so many things happnened after that. Things that I never expect.

I have never felt a feeling so intense before from anyone else but you. It is true from my earliest judgement of you that you give you all, you give your everything and you give your body and soul to the person you like/love. I was right. But as time passes by, I did not want that anymore. I want freedom now, I want to live a life of my own now. I want to love myself now. I want to be on my own now.

Jealousy will always rage within me whenever I hear of you from now on. But I know if I act on that anymore it will create more tension, create more problems for the both of us. Never in our time together have I cheated you or have the intention of making life a misery for you. Everything I said was thought thru. But life is just like that. Time especially made everything different. It is easy to blame it on time but it is what happened. Time passes by and my feelings for you changed.

I will take a lesson from this and I have. I will make sure I live my life as I want it to be. And you must too. You have a life that you want to live and not a life as how people around you want you to live. I will be on the lookout from now on for you. Wishing you that everything will be fine and good for you. I will pray for you every other chance I have and I wish you nothing but the best in life for you deserve it so much. Lastly, I’m sorry.

Time to reflect back now. A year back I felt like shit and I felt like dying. I was in Perth and I just broke off. I was getting drunk almost every other night and I was out almost every other night. Spent money like crazy almost every other night on transportation and spent money like crazy on phone. I had 3 lines over there for your information. I was alone all the time. I even wrote an entry on the 23rd of June and the 26th of June last year while I was sitting in my room feeling misearable. I didn’t know what I wanted to do then, I didn’t want to do anything then. Felt like giving up and I didn’t want to care about anything in the world. It was kinda like the shittiest moment of my life last year. That was 2005.

Fast forward a year. It’s now 2006. It was birthday 2 days back. I still feel like shit, I still feel lost (well somehow I feel that way), I still don’t want to do anything (lazy), I still do not care about a lot of things. I dont’t get drunk every other night though and I do not take money from parents already. Don’t spend money like crazy anymore and I don’t have 3 mobile line anymore. Only 1. So I would say its an achievement of some sort. I think. Haha!!

But it’s a good change for all I know. Somehow I was not expecting my life to be so mundane but I like mundane now. It’s good to rest and relax and do things for myself once in a while. Of course there are those occasional times when you feel like doing things for someone else. Provided that the other person appreciates it.

I’m not having the best time of my life though. No it’s not bad. I’m not in a depression mood or anything. I do not know what is the meaning of the best time of life but it is like the holy land for me. I hope to be able to get there and when I’m there I think I will be able to recognise, embrace and to acknowledge it.

Therefore I want to say 2006 has been a very stressful with lots of ups and downs year. I’m now looking forwards to next year because I do have plans for the second half of this year and also for next year. Pray..

Of course I want to thank the bunch of jim bangers who was there at Flam the other night. Yea so what if I spent money on you guys. It was worth it. Not much of you came but then it was more than enough for me. But I WANT PRESENT LA!! NO PRESENT OSO!! A MAN UTD JERSEY WOULD BE NICE!! Hahaha..desperate case. Thank you my brothers..and few sistas. Love you guys to death.

Grindmeister’s my name…

Livin La Vida Loca sounds like a great song. I wouldn’t know the meaning of the song though. It was made and sang entirely for the World Cup, but I wouldnt mind if the song tells me to live a life full of fun and live life the way it should be.

Ok, ok. Elaboration time. I have worked as an Advertising Sales Exec, a so-called 2 weeks as Marketing Dir for a magazine, Project Exec and now finally Business Development. Though these jobs have been nothing but mind-boggling, I’m now beginning to find it a bore. No doubt, these jobs have given me valuable insight on the business world, but I have detested the sales job ever since I worked in Metrojaya Sec 14 when I was 15 years old. Gosh damn, that experience made me realise that I do not like the sales job. But then I do realise that sales job is the only job that will bring me money. I have seen it. Tasted only the small sum but not the big sum yet.

Yeah, some people might have said that I can sell. But perhaps I can only talk but not sell. Perhaps my talk only plays with their mind instead of selling. Selling need a different set of skill. Talking does not require any. I wouldn’t want to do things that I don’t want to do. I wouldn’t want to be a soulless person. It is something that I’m beginning to feel now.

Ok enough ranting about money and work. Let’s rant about cafe. A simple cafe where food is affordable, a simple cafe where it will cater to afternoon crowd (students and working people) and delivery within the same area. Lets just say that this is my second passion. Rice and noodles would be the main staple food here. With meat on top. Fish with sauce, meat with sauce, sweet and sour sotong on mee. Curry mee with chicken ham or yau char kwai dip. You know those sort of things. Now if only an establishment would be available.

Talking about food gets me hungry. I do know that I get hungry whenever I’m in front of a screen, be it TV or computer screen. I read somewhere once before that if we do things regularly, our brain will automatically tell us to do what we always do whenever the particular activity is in action. It’s like the Pavlov’s Theory. I use to eat in front of the TV and computer and these days I have been practising it frequently again. I have stopped it for 2 years and it did me a whole world of good. I lost weight.

But I can’t help it. The World Cup is on these days. Let’s just also say that I can’t afford to do it like those days. When I was still a student, I could for sure stay up to watch the late match. These days, 12 am match is also a boon to me. Gosh I’m like a zombie. Gotto stop watching 3 am matches.

Brazil seem to be everyone’s favourite to win. I don’t fancy them though. Yea they are magical and skillfull and all, but I think they are a bit overrated. Argentina came out from nowhere to be everyone’s second favourtie team or to some even, the favourite team to win it. I have to admit though. They are simply awesome. The drubbing of S&M tells you just that. I have a secret though. I would be delighted to see either Japan or Korea in the semis. Hey, I’m an Asian. But lookig and judging from their performance it seems like we can only count on Korea. The Japanese team clearly lack the final touches to all their awesome build up during the play. Korea on the other hand, does not have the awesome build up like the Japanese but the possess within their ranks, the killer touch, the finisher. If Korea would go to the semis..I would be delighted.

Another secret, I would want England to go to the final. Mind you its final and not semis. England possess a strong squad that they have cover for all departments. Plus they have Rooney. Enuff said. Let’s just hope that they fulfill their prophecy this time. Also, I wouldn’t want Australia to go through. Call me racsit for all I care. Australia is just simply not good enough. I simply hate the fact that they only care for themselves. Yeah some Aussies are good but most of them are just plain ignorant and they do look like assholes when they are drunk. Hey sorry to my Aussies mate out there. But most of the young Australians I know gave me the impression.

Also, she maybe coming back this Sept. She MAY. Should I rejoice? Should I stop my life and wait? Nah, I wouldn’t want to stop my life. But more to I’m going on with my life and if things happens then things will happen. Right now, I’m seriously not thinking about it.

So right now, I’m searching for the light. It seems very dim and far away but I can see it. I can seriously see it. I’m finding for the vehicle that will bring me close to the light. I don’t know what is it that will bring me nearer to the light but I can sense that it is near. Oh, mind you I’m not talking bout her, I’m talking about my life, cafe and money.

My name is GrINdM3isTEr..

Like any normal human being, I would want a life that is comfortable but where I do not have to sweat over work to be able to achieve that. Hah..FAT CHANCE!!

No I’m not being a sulker or pessismistic or party-pooper, but hey, me for one would like to have a life that is laid back. Relax, easy, no worries kinda way of life. Yea..fat chance.

Though I would like to have above mentioned way of life, reality is that I would have to work for it. Let it be mentioned that I do not sales. But sales is the only way to achieve above mentioned life. Everything involves money these days though a lot of people would say that money is not everything. But money is alot of things.

Oh well, I was ‘told’ by someone the other day that I’m now in the process of searching myself. I do admit at moments I do think about that. Lets just say that I know what I want but maybe I just did not express myself clearly.

Okies, I have been ranting non-stop for a few minutes now. Im going to stop now.