GrINdM3isTeR

I’m in a very sombre mood now. I’m in a very downbeat mood now. I’m in a very uninspiring mood now. I’m in a very ‘whatevala’ mood now. I’m in a very shitty mood now. I’m in a very fucked up mood now.

I have not been like this for a long long time now. I felt that I have done something wrong but if I do not wrong this time I’m afraid it will drag on to something even worse. Knowing how wrong I can be at times, I do not know whether this will be the road that is right for me but this is the road I want to take now!!

I have played you as you said. It looks like that. But in fact I have tried with all my heart to learn to love, to give, to accept all that has happened but it is just not that easy anymore. I did not play you. It wasn’t even in my mind. Honestly, it was not in my mind at all but the way things worked out seems like that.

You said this is not playing sand. No it is not. If you think that I’m heartless, I won’t stop you. I have been hurt, I have been fucked before just like you did. In fact I understand how you feel. You can say that I do not but I do. Very well.

The way things worked out, I do not have any explanations to it. I myself do not know why mixed emotions and feelings came through me. I felt, I thought that it was for real, but it was just not to be. Time changed me, my feelings. Time has given me a lot of chance to think. This was not what I want. It will certainly hurt you more than it will hurt me. I rather not this happen to you but to me alone for I know I can be hurt and be fucked. I rather take this all for you. But I understand that I can not and I will not take every fault, wrong and guilty feeling and put it upon my shoulder.

Ever since the first episode, I felt guilty. I feel so damn bad and guilty. The moment I saw you in the car and you were there face down. I felt a pang of sadness, I felt the tinge of sweetness and I felt a tad bit of hurt. I wanted to hug you that time and to tell you that it’s ok. That everything will be all right. That everything will be better soon. Little did I know, so many things happnened after that. Things that I never expect.

I have never felt a feeling so intense before from anyone else but you. It is true from my earliest judgement of you that you give you all, you give your everything and you give your body and soul to the person you like/love. I was right. But as time passes by, I did not want that anymore. I want freedom now, I want to live a life of my own now. I want to love myself now. I want to be on my own now.

Jealousy will always rage within me whenever I hear of you from now on. But I know if I act on that anymore it will create more tension, create more problems for the both of us. Never in our time together have I cheated you or have the intention of making life a misery for you. Everything I said was thought thru. But life is just like that. Time especially made everything different. It is easy to blame it on time but it is what happened. Time passes by and my feelings for you changed.

I will take a lesson from this and I have. I will make sure I live my life as I want it to be. And you must too. You have a life that you want to live and not a life as how people around you want you to live. I will be on the lookout from now on for you. Wishing you that everything will be fine and good for you. I will pray for you every other chance I have and I wish you nothing but the best in life for you deserve it so much. Lastly, I’m sorry.